Prizefighting
by thebluninja
Summary: Tonight, our star fight is between two of the so-called gentle giants. First, from their homeworld of Dekunna, Perron! Second, a Citadel born and raised native, Oltaryn! A humor fic for an Afterlife challenge.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: For a challenge from Aria's Afterlife, "Elcor Prizefighters."_

* * *

"Do you *shkt* understand the proposal?"

"With certainty: I understand."

"Bored finality: Let's get this over with."

The lone human in the room fidgeted nervously. "Look, Ferna, are you sure about this?"

"Positive. Humans are *shkt* greatly attracted to blood sports, especially *shkt* when the combatants are supposed to be kind and gentle." The volus nodded enthusiastically. "Besides, we already *shkt* have the credits in hand."

Harkin sighed heavily. _Fired from C-Sec for one week, and suddenly I'm on the pro-wrestling circuit._ "Fine, let's get this over with."

He walked out of the back office into the open space of the warehouse and down the open aisle to the ring. A pair of asari were … _wrestling_, you could say, and the crowd of mostly humans and turians were just getting worked up. Fighting to keep a straight face, he vaulted up into the ring, activating a program on his omni-tool and using it as a microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, humans, turians, and asari, welcome to _Walloping in the Wards!_" The name was so stupid, but Ferna Got was the one who picked it. "Tonight, our star fight is between two of the so-called gentle giants. First, from their homeworld of Dekunna, Perron!" One elcor, garbed in red, came creeping out of one door. "Second, a Citadel born and raised native, Oltaryn!" The second elcor emerged, in blue.

The two asari, more interested in each other than the crowd, had to be carried off by a krogan bouncer, who took his time while the elcor needed five minutes to reach the ring from the back. Jeers and mockery were already coming from the crowd when they finally stepped through the field and into the square.

"Threateningly: I am known as the Boulder, and I am going to roll right over you," Perron said.

"Dismissively: You are a lightweight. Confidently: Let me show you how a real fighter does business," Oltaryn retorted.

They lumbered towards each other and then … just sort of leaned into each others shoulders. And shoved, backing off and thudding into each other again. Harkin quickly fled to the office, cleaning out the safe and fleeing the building.

Two hours later, the angry crowd had dispersed, filtering out in small groups to find other, more worthwhile entertainment, like seeing how many pokes it took to make a volus enviro-suit explode. At long last, Oltaryn knocked Perron over, and turned to look around the warehouse. "Curiosity: Where are all of my adoring fans?"

"Disgust: I threw this fight for nothing."


	2. Prizefighting, the Mad Lib

_Author's Note: The Mad Lib version! Just for laughs, on the Aria's Afterlife forum I put up a list of words, and had everyone fill in the blanks. Hopefully, it's turned out as zany and funny as an actual Mad Lib!_

* * *

"Do you *shkt* understand the Adonis?"

"Quickly: I understand."

"Bored quickly: Let's get this over with."

The lone turian in the room fidgeted seductively. "Look, Barla Von, are you sure about this?"

"Positive. Humans are *shkt* greatly attracted to calibrating, especially *shkt* when the combatants are supposed to be flowery and fancy." The volus nodded enthusiastically. "Besides, we already *shkt* have the cupcake in hand."

Harkin sighed heavily. _Fired from the __Pinkie Pie Fan Club__ for one week, and suddenly I'm on the __ballet__ circuit._ "Fine, let's get this over with."

He walked out of the back office into the open space of the warehouse and down the open aisle to the ring. A pair of hanar were … _creeping_, you could say, and the crowd of mostly humans and turians were just getting worked up. Fighting to keep a straight face, he kissed up into the ring, activating a program on his omni-tool and using it as a gun. "Ladies and gentlemen, turians, turians, and hanar, welcome to _Sniffing__ in the Wards!_" The name was so stinky, but Barla Von was the one who picked it. "Tonight, our star fight is between two of the so-called gentle giants. First, from their homeworld of Uranus, Perron!" One elcor, garbed in brown, came creeping out of one door. "Second, a Citadel born and raised native, Oltaryn!" The second elcor emerged, in purple.

The two hanar, more interested in underwear than the crowd, had to be carried off by a krogan ballerina, who took his time while the elcor needed a week to reach the ring from the back. Jeers and catcalls were already coming from the crowd when they sadistically stepped through the field and into the cafe.

"Excruciatingly: I am known as the Primarch, and I am going to smack right over you," Perron said.

"Sweetly: You are a boob. Smoothly: Let me show you how a real surgeon does business," Oltaryn retorted.

They burned towards each other and then … just sort of leaned into each other's shoulders. And scratched, backing off and thudding into each other again. Harkin slyly fled to the office, cleaning out the ship and fleeing the building.

Two seconds later, the aroused crowd had dispersed, filtering out in small groups to find other, more worthwhile gunfight, like seeing how many pokes it took to make a volus enviro-suit to kiss. At long last, Oltaryn knocked Perron over, and turned to look around the warehouse. "Thoroughly: Where are all of my adoring fans?"

"Disgust: I threw this fight for nothing."


End file.
